Broken Butterfly
by everythingaddison
Summary: Teddy Altman is madly in love, but her lover doesn't love her back. Her affection grows as her body deteriorates. No one knows so no one can save her, can she save herself? And maybe find true love in the process. Or will it all have been a waste? {eating disorder/self-harm etc}
1. 67 Calories

The woman looking back at me, is not me - or at least she isn't anymore. The girl looking back at me isn't a cardiothoracic surgeon, isn't a war vet, isn't a… Person… She's fragile and timid. Weak like a frail branch at the end of a tree, strong enough to hold a bird, but would snap at the weight of a cat. You can easily see my rib cage protruding from my small chest. If I turn around, you can clearly see the vertebrae that make up my spine and my shoulder blades as they stick out in the cold apartment air. I push my knees together, there's a 2 inch gap between my thighs. And my upper chest, you can see my collar bones sticking out. But I guess this is all good. It's what I wanted, right? Maybe he'll love me now. Now that I'm skinny, he might choose me. It's pathetic really, I'm destroying myself for a man. But I can never help but think maybe it's not all about getting him to notice me. Maybe I like it, maybe I enjoy the hunger pains, maybe I enjoy starving myself but I won't accept it. I won't accept that I'm doing this to myself just because I want to. I have to blame someone else, I wish I didn't have to blame someone, it makes me feel terrible, like I'm abusing them in some way, but now I can't stop. It's not my fault. Those 4 words keep repeating themselves in my brain, rattling in my skull until I end up with an earth-shattering headache that brings me to my weak and fragile knees. I hold my head in my hands and resist the urge to cry. I knew looking at my very delicate and damaged reflection in my wooden and dusty mirror was not my smartest idea. Thinking about me, what I've done to myself, about him… It's all just too much. I don't even realise until they reach my mouth and I taste their bitter salty taste on my dry and chapped lips that I realise that I'm crying. The tears are cascading down the sides of my face, down my protruding cheekbones and my rosy cheeks and into my mouth or off the end of my chin. I raise my hands to my eyes and try to wipe them but the tears just keep coming so I settle for leaning back against my old, comfy sofa and let them fall.

* * *

After what feels like an eternity, I emerge from my cocoon like ball I somehow made my body fit into and get a glass of water from the kitchen, but as I go to stand, my legs tremble so much that I'm afraid I'll fall over. I make it to the kitchen, barely, and down a glass of water. I was dehydrated after crying my eyes out for so long. I feel like a helpless child, unable to fend for myself. I grab a cracker and a low-cal cereal bar from one of my cupboards and sit at my small, wooden dining table and slowly eat. I've had no food all day and I'm about to have to go into work for my shift and I can't be a shivering mess in front of all of my colleagues so I give up with my no eating for today and settle for the cracker and cereal bar as in total it's only 67 calories. I can easily burn that off at the hospital later. I chew slowly, as usual until both items have been finished. I feel disgusting, I even feel somewhat guilty for eating because I'm not pretty enough to eat. I'm too fat and until I'm skinny enough I feel like I can't eat, which I know is all in my head but I can't shake those thoughts, they're there everyday just waiting for me to act upon them. I don't own my life anymore, they do, the thoughts in my head do, my eating disorder does. And I'm so ashamed to admit to that. But we all know that it's the truth. And I can't hide from the truth any longer, as much as I may try. I glance up at the red plastic clock on my wall; 13:36. Crap. I have to be at work in under 25 minutes. I know I'm going to be late. Oh well. I drag my almost corpse of a body up of off the dining chair and make my way into my bedroom and put on some decent clothes to go out in. I had a shower this morning but I forgot to brush my hair so I spend about 10 minutes getting the knots out of it. I apply my makeup in a feeble attempt to make myself feel somewhat beautiful, to get him to notice me. But deep down inside I know that he never will. He's happy, he has a beautiful girlfriend. And she's practically perfect! She's a surgeon just like us, she has beautiful long black curly hair, she's smart - oh my gosh she's so smart, she skinny and beautiful, and also, she's my student. Which is difficult at times but she truly is amazing. I'm glad he's found someone who can make him happy and who's this perfect, I just wish I could be that person. But who am I kidding, no one's going to love me. I'm pathetic, and who on earth in their right mind would love the girl who does this to themselves for a guy to notice them. Although to be honest, I'm not sure it's all about getting him to notice me anymore, I think I just want someone to notice me. But I don't know, who would care, anyways. I grab my keys and my jacket, carefully avoiding my mirror, and leave to get to work where I will pretend like everything's fine and avoid him.

* * *

30 minutes later I'm at the hospital in the attendings lounge. There's no one else here except for me, luckily - as I need to change into my scrubs and I don't really want any of my colleagues seeing how skinny I've gotten, the bones protruding from everywhere. I've thought about just eating again, but it's not that simple, and, as much as I hate to admit it, I like the starving pains I get, they make me feel like I'm still a person, and I don't want to let that go. Ever. I undress quickly and change into my navy blue scrubs, I place my keys and my clothes in my cubby and retrieve my white doctors coat. It's really big on me now, but I don't care to be honest, it means that people can't visibly see the damage to my once healthy body. I'm fixing my watch to my jacket pocket at the door swings open and in comes Derek raving on about this big tumour case he's just found and how he's going to cut it out. Mark follows him in and they sit down and Derek continues his story. I keep my back towards them and finish securing my watch until I hear his voice. I don't know what to do, I can't be near him, not after earlier, I'll freak out! Or say something I'll regret. He's talking to Derek and Mark, he's not interested in me, but I have to get out. I grab my scrub cap and stuff it into my pocket and run for the door, I think I heard him calling my name but I just continue to run. I run down many corridors until I reach an on-call room, I lock myself him and push my brittle, bony back up against the door. I wait there for a minute, regaining my breath. Why? Why did I just do that?! I wonder to myself. I can't even be civil anymore, I bet he thinks I'm a complete freak, even more than he may have done before. Wow, Teddy, you really don't how to screw things up, don't you. I think to myself, silently cursing myself for my erratic behaviour. Just then, my pager bleeps. I take it off the hem of my trousers and check it. MVC. Great. This means working with him, with Hunt.


	2. I Know You Won't Admit To It

Please review, favourite and follow!

This was so fun to write, but a mild TW on this so yeah.

But please enjoy!

* * *

"What have you got?" I shout as confidently as I can into trauma room 1 as my fingers struggle to tie up the yellow strings on the back of my trauma gown.

"MVC accident, 31 year old male, his car was t-boned by another car. Multiple chest wounds, abdominal tenderness, head lac and obvious tibial fracture." Owen Hunt yelled out as he continued to examine the head laceration.

"Okay, let me through!" I yell as I run up to the patient. I pull out my standard issue stethoscope and press it firmly up against his chest. "He has decreased breath sounds on the right. Tension pneumothorax. Someone hand me a chest tube!" The nurse hands me a chest tube and a scalpel. Luckily he's unconscious so this won't hurt him at all. I slice the skin on the side of his chest, jamming the tube into it, blood pours out onto the floor, I manage to step out of the way just in time. I attach a suction catheter to it and begin examining the rest of his chest. It appears to be that some shards of something from the car and made their way deep into his chest.

"Clear CT!" I hear Owen yell.

"Make time for a chest CT too, there's no knowing how deep these wounds are."

"Okay, let's move!" Owen yells, pulling up the sides on the guerney. "Wait!" He yells as we hear a frantic beeping. Owen, Derek -who's just got here- the nurses and I look up at the heart rate monitor. "She's in v-fib! Everyone stop." He yells. We all secure whatever we can before Owen grabs the paddles. "Charge to 200!" He shouts. "Clear!" He shocks the patient. We all look up at the monitor. No change. "Charge to 300!" He yells again, the nurse charges the defibrillator. "Clear!" No luck. "Let's start compressions!" He yells, climbing over to start administering compressions. "Let's bag him!" One of the nurses bags him and begins helping him breathe. No change.

"Hunt…" Derek starts.

"No, we are not losing him." Hunt said, firmly. "Prepare for intubation. Altman!" I sigh and then run over to the other end of the room. There's no harm in trying, right?

"7.5 tube!" I shout.

"Here you go, doctor." The nurse says as she hands the E.T. tube to me. I get it in and place to ambu bag onto the end of it. The nurse takes over for me.

"Charge to 360!" Hunt yells, reaching for the paddles. The nurses hesitate to charge them.

"He's gone, Hunt. Let him go." Derek said, calmly.

"No, we can't stop." Owen replied, continuing with compressions seeing as no one was charging the paddles. Derek looked at me.

"You are the only one that can make him stop." He said. I look over to Owen. Making him stop is the last thing I want to do right now. I can't talk to him. Derek continues to look at me, I can't not do anything.

"Hunt…" I start, taking two steps closer.

"No, Teddy, we're saving him." He says, not looking up.

"Owen, he's gone." I say, he slows slightly. "That's it, come on." He stands back for a second, then walks out. "Time of death, 14:13." I say, and then leave too, I need to check on my patients.

* * *

All checked and all safe. That's good though, it means I can relax. I make my way into the nearest on call room and lay down on one of the oh so familiar -uncomfortable may I add- beds. I lean my back against the wall and lay my head against it. The cold from the wall being oddly comforting. My neck starts to hurt so I lean forward and place my heard in my hands. Hunched over I think about earlier. My life has gotten so bad. After Owen broke up with Beth, I always assumed we'd get together. I thought he thought the same about me as I did him. After the realisation sunk in that he didn't, I became depressed, developed anxiety because if it and also an eating disorder, so yeah, my life is pretty shit. These disorders rule my life. They took away what little control I had. I pull my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms arms around my legs. My eyes catch onto the pale white lines across my arms from the many nights where crying myself to sleep didn't work so I took out my pain with a razor. I haven't done that for almost 4 months now, so I'm proud of myself for that. It would be better for everyone if I was dead. Wait. Did I just think that? No, I couldn't have. Being a surgeon I've seen the pain that it brings families when a loved one kills themselves. I can't do that to my… I don't even have family over here. I don't even know where my family are to be perfectly honest. Not that they'd care anyways. Owen wouldn't care. Cristina would be sad that she'd lost her teacher but that's about it. Arizona and Callie, maybe, but they'd get over it within a couple days. I wish I could stop thinking like this. But no such luck. I've never had thoughts like this before. To be honest they're scaring me slightly, but I'm just gonna try ignore them. Now I've got a pounding headache. Great. There's no point me staying here, so I get up and walk to the attendings lounge in hope of finding an aspirin or something.

I walk into the attendings lounge and head straight for the cupboards, ignoring Arizona, Bailey and Callie who were at the table talking about something. I dig around in the cupboards until I find the aspirin. I grab the small, cardboard packet in my hands and take it out. I read the back.

 _Take one tablet every 4 hours._

 _Take with food._

Fuck. With food. Well, I guess I really should eat something. Upon realising that I really do need to eat something if I'm going to keep going for the next 10 hours, I grab a banana from the fruit bowl. I unpeel it slowly, keeping my back to my colleagues, not wanting them to see the look on my face - how hard it will be to eat - when I attempt to eat it. I take a bite, it tastes good, but at the same time I get this sickening feeling in the pit of my very empty stomach. I take 5 more bites, finishing just under half of it before I throw it away. That should be enough. I put the aspirin tablet in my mouth and down it with a glass of water. When suddenly I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around abruptly. Arizona, Bailey and Callie are looking straight at me, as if expecting an answer. I figure out that it was Callie who tapped my shoulder as she's less than a metre away from me.

"What?" I say, lightly. "Did you ask something?" I ask. Bailey looks at Callie, Arizona then looks at Bailey. And I wonder what the hell is going on. Callie sighs and then speaks.

"Bailey-" She gets cut off by an accusing look on the smaller woman's face, "We, I mean we," She tries again, turning to Bailey for approval, who just smiles. "were wondering if you think Bailey dating that new anesthesiologist would be a good idea or not?" She asks, making an unsure look appear on her face. Bailey waits impatiently. Seriously?! I think to myself. This is why they needed to bother me?! I realise I haven't given them an answer.

"Uh, yeah, I think it would be great." I say rather quickly. I then smile briefly and make my way out of the room hastily. I'm halfway down the corridor when a voice calls my name so I turn around. It was Arizona.

"Teddy, wait there a sec." She says, walking down to me. I reluctantly do as I'm told and wait where I am, looking down at my feet. When she's reached me, I look up.

"What do you need?" I ask, politely.

"Are you okay?" She asks. She see's the taken-aback look that's obviously crept onto my face. "I mean, you just haven't seemed yourself lately."

"I'm fine." I reply before I even know what I'm saying. I smile at her, desperately hoping she'll believe me. She sighs.

"I know you're not," she begins, a lump forms itself in my throat, "over the last couple of months, you've been so… _Off..._ " I open my mouth to speak, but she cuts me off before I can form any words. "I know, _you're fine,_ but what I'm saying Teddy, is that you don't _have_ to be fine, it's okay to be broken. It happens to the best of us. I know you'll never tell me what's wrong, or at least not now, here, but I'm _always_ here if you want to talk. No matter what time of day or night. Appear at my doorstep at 1, 2 AM in the morning, I don't care. But please, if you won't talk to me, talk to someone. I know you won't admit to it, but something is wrong with you. I don't know what, but something is. And you don't have to fight whatever it is alone. I'm here for you."

"I'm great, I've never been better," I say, plastering a smile on my lips, not that it'll fool her, "but thanks for caring. I've got to get going, have a nice rest of your day, Arizona." I say, walking away.

"You too…" I hear her call out, disappointment evident in her voice. But I couldn't stay there. Looking at her eyes, full of pity. _For me._ See, I just make people's lives worse. I shouldn't be here.


	3. Before You Start

_Sorry it's been so long! But life happened and yeah haha. MASSIVE cliffhanger at the me of this so be warned xo_

* * *

After an uneventful 12 hour shift at work, I walked back into my apartment, setting my bag and keys down on the table and hanging up my jacket on the coat stand next to it. I'm exhausted, it's just gone 3AM, life of a surgeon though, right? My stomach's growling at me but I just ignore it - as usual. I've got to get some sleep, I have to be back at 12 PM later today. Yay. That means I've got 9 hours until I have to be back. I walk into my bedroom and take off my clothes. I set my alarm on my phone for 9 AM, that should give me just enough time to get ready and travel back to the hospital. I do like work though, well apart from that last shift. Work brings distraction. I mean, I'll often be in the O.R. for hours on end and doing consults and charting. That hardly leaves any time for thinking about anything else.

* * *

"Grey, go check on Paisley in 2219." Arizona yelled down the hall at Lexie Grey I think as she walked into the attendings lounge. I stood at the side, I'd been feeling dizzy since I got to work this morning so I'd decided to make a small cup of coffee. Arizona sat down behind me, next to her wife, Callie.

"Do you think Owen and Cristina will stay together long?" Callie asked Arizona. I kinda wish I wasn't here right now, but if I left now, I'd have Arizona running after me again. So I continue to brew my coffee and as much as I try to drown out their conversation, I still hear most of it.

"Well, they seem strong."

"Yeah, but there's still so much… Tension…"

"That's a good point." I feel my eyes watering up. Just them talking about Owen's love life makes me think about my pathetic existence.

"She's so work-driven."

"And he's more… Family driven."

"Teddy, what do you think?" Callie asked me. I stayed fiddling with my coffee cup in a feeble attempt to look like I'm busy. Then I realised, my special sweeteners were on the table behind me. I quickly turned around and reached over the table to grab them, desperately trying to avoid eye contact with them both. In turning back I accidently look at Arizona and she's looking at me. I turn around as quickly as possible, continuing with pouring my cup of coffee.

"Teddy… Are you okay?" She asks. I rub my hand in my forehead and reply with a unconvincing voice.

"Yes." I pause for a second, "how are you two?"

"We're just wondering if Cristina and Owen will last." Callie replied, laughing. I fake a laugh.

"I don't know, maybe?" I say, attempting a laugh on the last words. Then my pager goes off. Thank goodness for that. I look at it, it's Kepner paging me from the E.R. I leave my cup of coffee on the side and head for the door.

"Teddy…?" Arizona says.

"Sorry, gotta go." I say, avoiding the inevitable questioning from her.

* * *

I arrive in the E.R., I scan the room, looking for Kepner. I finally see her at bed 3. I walk over and tap her lightly on the shoulder.

"Where'd you want me?" I asked. She turned around and looked at me weirdly.

"Oh right!" She says, "yeah I kinda paged you by accident, sorry." Seriously?! I think, but at least it got me out of answering Arizona's questions.

"Oh okay, thanks anyway." I say. As I turn around, I see a gurney being rushed to the elevator.

"Altman! Follow us up!" Owen yells. I run to catch up with them and slide into the elevator just as it's closing.

"What we got?" I ask, tying my hair up and trying my best to forget earlier.

"16 year old female, brought into the E.R. after fainting. She is suffering from severe malnutrition and dehydration. We did an EKG and it shows her heart has just about giving up, we're rushing to surgery now to try and stabilise her heart. The mother thinks she's on non-prescription laxatives also." I struggle for breath suddenly and think about what I could possibly do to get out of this. Having a patient suffering like this, like me, and operating with Owen, I just can't do it.

"Can we page Davis to do it?" I ask.

"What? Why? And no, he's out sick." Owen replied, a questioning look on his face.

"How about Thomas?" I ask, again.

"In surgery already. Teddy, come on, you're not doing anything right now." Just as he said that, the elevator doers opened and the staff rushed the gurney out of the elevator and into OR 3. Owen heads into the scrub room, along with Grey. I draw in a deep breath and follow them in.

* * *

Hours in, Meredith and Owen start a conversation.

"Who would do this to themselves?" Meredith asks.

"Someone who's emotionally unstable." Owen replies. I just try to focus on what I'm doing.

"But I mean, who in their right mind, would starve themselves?!"

"That's the thing though, they're not in the right mind."

"What on earth could they possibly gain from doing that to themselves, it's basically just a death wish." That's it, I've had enough now, I can't work, I can't focus, I can't think whilst they're having discussions like that.

"Maybe she's suffering from other mental disorders," my voice starts off quiet, "that no one whom she would think cares about her have picked up on making her think that's she's not wanted or loved. And maybe she's fallen in love with a guy who she knows will never love her back until she's skinny or believing that she incapable of ever being loved by anyone. Maybe she likes the hunger pains that feel like they're ripping apart her stomach because it gives her some sort of feeling of self control in her messed up, torn apart, pathetic excuse of a life." I stop, take a breath and realise what I've just said. Crap. Crap. Oh fuck what do I do now. The entire OR staff are looking straight at me, as well as Owen and Meredith. I place my needle and thread down on the tray. "Somebody page Davis or Thomas to take over." I say, walking towards the door, tearing off my gown and gloves. As I walk out I slide my scrub cap of my head and walk down the corridor wondering what the hell I just did.

* * *

I'm lying on the top bunk of an on-call room playing with a strand of my severely damaged hair and thinking. What the hell did I do in that OR… Well I asked Owen to find someone else… Oh that's no excuse. My pager bleeps. Fuck. Derek wants me in his office now. What did Owen say to him? I guess there's only one way to find out. Walking down to his office I decide what I'm going to say. I walk into his office as confidently as possible. Owen's here.

"Teddy, take a seat." Derek says, gently, as if I'm a scared, abandoned child.

"Why?" I ask, bluntly, folding my arms across my chest. Derek sighs.

"In the OR today-" he starts, but I cut him off.

"Before you start, I resign."


	4. Terrible Love

Hi! So many people desperately wanted me to update again asap so that's what I've done lol. But anyway, TW on this chapter especially. And those of you who are reading this who watch Third Watch, you might find that I've got some inspiration from 2x19 :)

oh and also, some paragraphs change from Teddy's point of view :)

but please enjoy! And review! Thanks xo

* * *

 _"Before you start, I resign."_

What the fuck have I done? I've just cleared out my locker and collected all my belongings and I'm now on my way out of the doors. It's pouring rain. _Great._ I have no umbrella or coat so I run over to my car, holding my very few belongings in my hands. I fumble around in my pockets for my car keys whilst the rain pours down. I push the key into the keyhole and unlock the front door, throwing my stuff on the passenger seat and then climb in. My hair is soaking wet and dripping rainwater over the car and me. But I don't care. I don't really care about anything anymore. I feel a single tear make its way down my cheek. Normally, I'd force myself to stop crying, but I don't now. A few more tears make their way down my cheeks and my eyes water up so much that I can barely see anything anymore. And before I know it I'm sobbing loudly and shaking so much. I pull my knees up to my chest and now I can't stop. My deafening sobs echo around the car as I let out all the built up emotions behind my earlier decision. I cry for I don't know how long before I finally stop. My breathing is staggered as I attempt to regain some control. I now have a pounding headache and I'm still shaking slightly. _Great_. But I have to get home at some point so I jam my keys into the ignition and begin driving.

* * *

"Hey chief?" Arizona asked as she ran up the corridor to catch up with Derek. He turned around.

"Yep?" He replied.

"You seen Teddy anywhere? I mean I've looked all over the hospital and I still can't find her which is very unusual-" Arizona said, very quickly but was cut off.

"She quit." Derek said bluntly. "Can I _go_ now?" He said, walking away.

"Wait, what?!" Arizona yelled out as she followed him up the corridor. Derek stopped and sighed.

"Go ask Hunt, he'll have a better idea than I do."

* * *

"And then she just ran out of the OR!" Meredith exclaimed to the other third year residents.

"No way." Alex said, leaning back on his chair.

"Seriously?" Jackson asked. Cristina walked into the room puzzled about what they were all talking about.

"What are you guys talking about?" She asked, taking a seat beside Meredith.

"Teddy went crazy in the OR." Alex said, laughing.

"Wait what?" Cristina asked, seemingly way more seriously than the others.

"We were in the OR," Meredith began, Cristina turned to look at her, "Owen and I were talking about the patient's psychological condition and she suddenly went off on one about how the patient might be feeling and then walked out."

"Wait, Teddy did that?" Cristina asked, surprised and somewhat worried.

"And rumour has it that she quit." Charles said. Everyone turned to face him.

"Seriously?" Jackson asked.

"Yeah." Charles replied. Cristina got up and walked out to go ask the person who would know why.

* * *

"Hunt!" Arizona yelled.

"Owen!" Cristina yelled from the other side of the hall. Owen stood in place, not sure where to go. Both women caught up to him.

"Why did Teddy quit?" Arizona asked. Before answering her, Owen turned to Cristina,

"And why are you here, Cristina?" He asked, sighing.

"The same reason, why did she?" Cristina answered. Owen sighed.

"I don't know." He said. Both women looked at him.

"What do you mean, _you don't know_?" Arizona enquirered, folding her arms across her chest. Owen looked at both women.

"I mean, _I. Don't. Know._ Now, can I please go now?" He asked.

"But wait, didn't she storm out of your OR?" Cristina asked. Before he answered he pulled both women into the room opposite.

"Yes, no, well...kinda." he started, "and wait, how'd you know?"

"Meredith." Cristina answered.

"She told you that she quit?"

"Well, no, Percy told me that."

"How'd he know?"

"Rumours."

"Okay, stop!" Arizona yelled, getting fed up with their conversation. "Why'd she quit?"

"Meredith and I were talking about the patient's psychiatric disorder and then she tore one off at us about what the patient may be going through getting really emotional herself, and then she walked out." Owen said, "happy now?"

* * *

I poured what must have been my 6th… No, 7th maybe glass of wine and then sat back in my position on my couch. I don't even have the tv on, just my CD player playing the same song over and over again. Terrible Love but the cover done by Birdy. The lyrics were quite fitting.

 _It's a terrible love_

 _And I'm walking with spiders,_

 _It's a terrible love and I'm walking in,_

 _It's a terrible love_

 _And I'm walking with spiders,_

 _It's a terrible love and I'm walking in,_

 _It's quiet company_

 _It's quiet company_

My whole life is like walking with spiders. And my relationship with my eating disorder is like a terrible love. I down that glass of wine and pour myself a new one from my same position on the couch. Oh, how crappy my life has turned out. I just cannot be bothered anymore. I wonder into the kitchen and grab an apple from the table and take a bite. Oh, how nice it tastes. I open the cupboards to see what else I can find. And I see a white box, I take it out and examine the front. It's all a little blurry as I've had no food for so long. But I figure it out. Sleeping tablets. I take them out of the cupboard and make my way back into the living room, picking up my glass and then I head into the bathroom. I decide to run myself a bath, but I just climb into the tub without turning the water on, I can't be bothered. I can still hear Terrible Love from the living room because of how loud I had it on.

 _And I can't fall asleep_

 _Without a little help_

 _It takes awhile_

 _To settle down_

 _My shivered bones_

 _Wait til the panics out_

I pick up the sleeping tablets from the table and begin to pop them out one by one into my hand.

 _And I won't follow you_

 _Into the rabbit hole_

 _I said I would_

 _But then I saw_

 _Your shivered bones_

 _They didn't want me to_

I have maybe about 20 in my hand now, it's not even shaking, but that might have something to do with the amount of wine I've had. After a moment's thought, I decide just to go would be unfair to the few people I actually cared about. So I close the pills in my left hand and and grab a pen and paper from the side and scrawl some things down onto it.

 _Arizona, from the first moment when we, well you decided we'd become friends you have always been there for me. You've been the bestest friend that I've had in ages. And I'm so sorry if this hurts you but I'm sorry._

 _Callie, we get along so well and we're such good friends and I'm so sorry._

 _Cristina, I sincerely hope you find a new teacher that you aspire to be like as much as you seemingly aspire to be like, like me._

 _Everyone at SGMW, thanks and sorry._

 _Owen, I've loved you for as long as I can remember from since we met. It kills me to see you with someone else but I'm so happy that you're happy. And don't feel guilty, please, but I can't go through with what I'm about to do if I can't tell you that._

 _I'm sorry I did what I just did. Thank you all so much and goodbye._

 _Teddy Altman_

I fold the paper up and throw it onto the floor. I reopen my hand that was enclosed with the pills which would help me to end my life. I stuff about half into my mouth and swallow them with great difficulty. I then place the remaining into my mouth and wash them down with my last ever gulp of red wine. I lean back and listen to the last three lines of the song as my mind goes fuzzy.

 _It takes an ocean not to break,_

 _It takes an ocean not to break,_

 _It takes an ocean not to break._

The songs right, you know. It takes an ocean not to break and I just don't have an ocean to give.


	5. Your Shivered Bones

Hope y'all enjoy this chapter :)

* * *

"35 year old female, overdose. Given 25 mg of charcoal en route." The paramedic yelled to Owen as she helped lift their patient out of the bus. "We lost the rhythm approximately 3 minutes ago. Shocked once and we did CPR." She finished as they rolled their patient into trauma 1. "We know she's gone. We just need you to call it."

"On my count!" Owen yells. "1, 2, 3. And nurse, take over the ambu bag."

"Her best friend found her. She was following us down, she should be here any minute." The paramedic said.

"Okay. we're not letting her go people! Paddles!" Owen yelled. The nurse charged the paddles full-well knowing that the patient was long gone. After 3 rounds, Owen gave up and stormed out of the room after not being able to save her.

"Time of death, 20:46" The nurse said. "What was her name?"

"Georgia McHenry."

* * *

"Teddy, if you don't open this door I swear to god I'll knock it down." Arizona yelled from outside Teddy's front door. She banged her fist against it, still no reply. She knew she wouldn't actually knock it down seeing as she had her own set of keys, but she thought that that might get Teddy to come and answer the door. But no luck. She unlocked the door and walked inside. "Okay, so first, you quit?!" Arizona yelled, heading first towards the living room. "And then you just leave without saying goodbye?" She continues shouting words for Teddy around as she checks all of the rooms. "Owen was saying that you tore one off at him about a patient's psychiatric illness and then walked out of his-" She stopped. Taking note of the scene in front of her, Teddy's frail body and the few pills scattered across the carpet. Her eyes widening and her trail of thought being immediately lost. All she could see was Teddy's pale skin and her head slightly forward. Regaining some sort of control over her sudden and overwhelming emotional response to the scene in front of her, she pulled out her phone and dialled 911.

" _Hello, 911, what's your emergency?"_ Arizona struggled with her words as she rushed over to Teddy's limp body checking for any signs of life.

"My friend tried to commit suicide." She got out.

" _Is she still breathing? Just put yo-"_

"I know what to do, I'm a doctor. We both are." Arizona snapped back. she checked Teddy's pulse. "Her pulse is weak but it's there." Arizona said, also adding on the address.

" _That's good. The ambulance's ETA is about 3 minutes."_

"Thanks, bye." Arizona said and then hung up. She stroked back Teddy's hair from her face. She could hear _Terrible Love_ playing in the other room. There was nothing she could do but wait so she listened to the words…

 _And I won't follow you_

 _Into the rabbit hole_

 _I said I would_

 _But then I saw_

 _Your shivered bones_

 _They didn't want me to._

She looked at Teddy and for the first time realised how skinny she was. She'd always been thin but Arizona didn't know she was _that_ thin. Two figures drifted into the room with their red medical bags. Arizona had tuned out of this bit. She answered the basic questions and within a minute Teddy's almost lifeless body was being carried out on a stretcher. Arizona was left in the apartment alone. She was just about to walk out and follow her friend to the hospital when she caught site of the small bit of paper on the floor. She knelt down and picked it up. She unfolded it with care, not really knowing what to expect. She read _every_ word and it shattered her heart. With silent tears running down her face, she placed the note in her back pocket and left the apartment.

* * *

"36 year old female, overdosed on rozerem sleeping pills." The paramedic shouted as he opened the ambulance doors. The nurse who went to meet the ambulance helped them wheel the gurney inside and into trauma 3. Owen and Cristina walked in.

"What we got?" Cristina asked, putting on her trauma gown.

"Overdose on rozerem." The nurse replied.

"Another one?" Owen said, almost laughing. "It's like it's a sport today." Cristina walked closer to the patient suddenly realising who it was.

"Owen..." She started.

"What? It's true though, this is the second middle aged woman brought here today after trying to kill themselves. Just too lazy to deal with their problems." He said.

"It's Teddy." Cristina said, bluntly but also worriedly. Owen's face changed from a smile to such a serious one.

"What?" He asked. Not believing he heard correctly.

"The patient. The woman on the table who tried to kill herself is _Teddy._ " Cristina repeated, staring into his eyes.

"Okay, um," Owen started, "let's give her charcoal and then a gastric-lavage. Let's move people!" He shouted above the noise in the room. " _Why_ Teddy, _why'd you do this_?"

* * *

Arizona walked into the attendings lounge after hearing that Teddy wouldn't wake up for a while. She placed her handbag in her cubby and then sat at the table. She leant her elbows on the table and placed her head in her hands, still processing what had just happened. Before she knew it, she was crying. Sobs were escaping her throat and echoing around the otherwise silent room. The door opened and as much as she tried to stop crying, she couldn't.

"Hey…?" Callie's voice said, full of concern. "What's going on?" She asked, quietly. Arizona shook her head, sobbing even more. "Hey, you can talk to me." She said, lightly. Callie looked sadly at her girlfriend. "Come here." She finally said. Arizona stood up and walked into Callie's comforting embrace. She gripped on to Callie tightly, never wanting to let go as she sobbed. She cried so loudly that Callie could almost feel her own heart breaking inside her chest. She held her as tightly as possible whilst she cried, making her feel loved. Arizona slowly calmed down and loosened her grip on Callie, but still held on.

"I'm sorry." She said, burying her head in the crook of Callie's neck.

"Don't apologise." Callie said, stroking the blondes hair. "Can you tell me what was wrong?" Arizona hesitated before telling her.

"Teddy tried to kill herself."

* * *

Please review :)


	6. Sorry If This Hurts You

Hi y'all! Just like to say thanks for all reading this story and for the many amazing reviews I've gotten. :). I sincerely hope you're all enjoying this as much as I am lol. Well, enough with me and on to the story! xo

* * *

 _Turn that flipping beeping off._ That's the first thought I have. I open my eyes, they feel extremely heavy and the hurt. Everything is unnaturally bright at first. I feel something jabbing into my arm, but I can't tell what. My eyes adjust as do the rest of my senses and I realise that I can't breathe. Well, I can, but it's hard because there's a tube down my throat. An intubation tube. _Great._ I try on my own to pull it out. I get so far before a nurse notices and does it for me. I cough and splutter and almost throw up into the bowl the nurse placed on my lap. It's only then do I realise what's going on. The memories flood back into my mind and my heart sinks when I realise I'm still here. I'm in the ICU. I'm not staying in this hospital I decide. I look at my arm to determine what is prodding me, an IV. I pull it out along with the leads stuck to my chest which sets of goodness knows how many machines once again attracting the attention of the ICU nurse along with a few others. They all rush over and pin me back down to the bed. Before I can protest, my arms are in restraints and pinned to the bed rails. I spend a minute or two still fighting to free myself but then I give up. I know I have no chance of getting them off. I wonder how long I'll be stuck here before they release me…

* * *

"I hear you tried to get up and leave the hospital." Miranda Bailey said loudly whilst reviewing my chart.

"How'd you hear that." I ask sarcastically but quietly.

"I'm Bailey, I hear _everything._ " She replied, looking up from my chart. I look up at her. "The nurses decided to restrain you."

"Yep." I say, bluntly. After a moment I ask, "When can I have them off?"

"Well that depends… Are you planning to get up and walk out of here again?" I sigh.

"No." I say, quietly.

"Teddy Altman, I-"

"I won't! Okay…"

"Okay." Bailey agreed. She then took of my restraints. It's nice to be able to move my arms again. I know if I get up, they'll go right back on again so I settle for lying back and staring at the ceiling.

"When will I be released?" I ask.

"Well, we are required by law to keep you for 72 hours at least." Bailey said. I sighed. "And then I, as your primary care physician will decide whether to keep you longer, transfer you to psych, or release you to outpatient care."

"So I don't piss you off if I want any hope of getting out of here as soon as possible." I say, a lighter tone to my voice this time.

"You don't piss me off." Bailey says, smiling. "I'll get the nurses to transfer you to a normal room as soon as they can." That was the last thing she said before leaving the room.

* * *

1 hour later and I'm in a normal room. I wonder how many of my colleagues know I'm here… I wonder who treated me when I came into the E.R.. Oh god, it better not have been Owen… Actually… How did I even _get_ here? It was like 21:00 so why would I have had visitors that late… I now have a massive headache so I curl up in a ball and stare at the wall facing opposite the door. I get less than 1 minute of quiet before the door opens. I can't even be bothered to roll over and interact, so I stay facing the way I am hoping whoever it is will think that I'm asleep and go away. The person sits down on the sofa-like thing.

"I know you're not asleep. You always have the covers on and an extra blanket, and now you've got neither." I recognise the voice, unfortunately. It's Arizona's. She obviously knows I'm awake so I roll over, staying in my ball-like shape and face her. She looks at me, her eyes wide and saddened, she has bags under her eyes and she looks exhausted.

"Hey." I say, softly.

"Hey." She replies. Even her voice seems sad.

"You okay?" I ask, as I don't know what else to say. She looks at me.

"Am I okay?" She says, quietly still, but I can pick out the anger in her voice. "Am I okay. Well, let's see. My best friend _quit_ , and didn't even say goodbye before she left. Then, I want to know why so I drive all the way across the very busy streets of Seattle to her house only to find her all but dead in her bathtub!" Well, now I know how I got here… She realises what she had said and her eyes well up with tears. "Teddy… Oh my gosh I am _so_ sorry. I-I-I didn't mean to lash out at-t you like t-that. I'm s-so sorry." She stutters before tears make their way down her cheeks.

"Hey, hey, it's okay." I say in the most comforting voice I can muster. "I'd be mad too if the situation were reversed." I say, smiling. She laughs slightly as she grabs a tissue and wipes her eyes. "Well that answers one of my questions." I say, almost laughing. She looks at me puzzled. "How I got here."

"Oh, no one told you?" She asked.

"Nope. The only people I've, well, remembered seeing since I got here were a few ICU nurses and Bailey." I say, laughing.

"Yeah, I uh… I found you in your apartment." She said, looking down.

"Look, Arizona. I'm so sorry you had to find me, especially like that." I said sadly.

"I just… I didn't realise quite how skinny you were until then." She admits, avoiding eye contact. I look up at her, not expecting that. "Teddy, if you have a-"

"I don't! Okay." I snap. I immediately feel guilty for it afterwards. Arizona looks taken aback. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap."

"It's fine, but-"

"Honestly, Arizona, I don't." I say, smiling softly at her. I seriously hope she believes me. She looks at me warily before nodding.

"Okay." She says, smiling back at me. "Do you have any _more_ questions?" She asks.

"Just one."

"Shoot."

"Who treated me in the E.R.?" I ask, seriously hoping that it wasn't Owen.

"Hunt and Yang." The words escape her lips and I suddenly feel sick. Of _all_ people…

"Thanks." I say. I think it's only fair if I ask her the same question. "Do _you_ have any questions?" She looks surprised by my question.

"A couple…" She says quietly.

"Go for it." I say, smiling as friendly as I can at her.

"Um… Why?" She asks. "Why did you… You know, choose to do that?"

"Well…" I need to think of an answer that doesn't implicate my eating disorder or any of my other mental disorders. "Just the pressure from life, I guess. Losing my job didn't help much either."

"So, it had nothing to do with your feelings for Owen?" She asks warily. I look up at her.

"No." I say.

"And all I got was a 'sorry if this hurts you'." She said. I sigh.

"You found my note…" I say, my voice trailing off at the last word.

"I almost didn't, actually. It was only on my way out that I did." She said, looking down at the floor.

"Did you… Did you show it to anyone?" I ask, hoping that she'd say no.

"No. I thought if you survived you wouldn't want anyone to read it." She said… I look at her, I can see just how much all of this has hurt her. Her exhausted she looks because of it.

"How long was I out? I woke up about 3 hours ago." I ask. She thinks for a second.

"Um… 14 hours, roughly." Wow… That was a while. I wonder how she felt during those 14, well 11 hours when she didn't know if I'd awaken again. I bet she didn't sleep last night.

"Look, Arizona. I am so, _so_ sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you this much." I say. She puts her hand on my bed. I place mine above hers.

"I know." She said. "I just wish you'd have been able to talk to me about it." With that, she got up and walked out of my room, closing the door carefully behind her. I roll over again and a silent tear makes its way down my cheek as I realise just how much I hurt her.

* * *

Please review, thanks! x


	7. Because He Saved You

For the first time in for what seems like forever I actually know where I want this story to go! Yay for me! But for now, let's see what Teddy makes of her current situation.

* * *

I wake to hearing voices outside my room. They're arguing over something…

" _Why can't you just get over yourself and go and see her!"_

" _I just can't okay. I won't."_ That's all I can pick out, but I know the voices. It's Arizona and Owen.

"Are you two going in or not?" This time it's Bailey.

"Oh, I've been in, but Mr. Stubborn here won't even take the time to visit his very ill friend!" Arizona yells.

"Well if neither of you are gonna walk in there right now, walk away." Bailey says. I hear two sets of footsteps disappearing so I'm guessing they both left. The door opens and I pretend to be asleep so Bailey won't know I heard any of that. "Altman, I know you're awake." She says, laughing. I open one eye and look at her.

"They gone?" I ask.

"They're gone." She replies, laughing. I open my other eye and look at Bailey.

"He's suffering, you know." Bailey says, not looking up from my chart.

"What?" I ask, sitting up in my bed. She looks up at me.

"He was the one - well, along with Cristina - who treated you when you were brought in. He was the one who had to administrate the charcoal and who had to assist with the gastric lavage. He had to see you when you were on the brink of death. And as _you_ wanted it, he couldn't even want to help you in good-conscience because he knew that you'd awaken and blame him for still being alive because he saved you. So, I can't blame him for not wanting to come in here, for not wanting to look you in the eye after what you did." She finished. Wow... I never thought about it like that. He's now yet another person that I've hurt now. _Great._ "As for you, the rozerem is now all out of your system but you're stuck here for at least another 52 hours." Bailey folder over my chart, placed it back where it belonged and walked out, leaving me on my own.

* * *

After a moment's contemplation, I crawl across my bed and down to the other end and retrieve my chart from it's place.

 _Dr. Theodora Altman_

 _26/03/74_

 _Admitted for suicide attempt - overdose on rozerem._

 _20 mgs of charcoal given followed by a successful gastric lavage._

 _Dr. Owen Hunt and Dr. Cristina Yang_

 _Primary Care Physician - Dr. Miranda Bailey_

 _Psychiatrist - Dr. Jill Brown_

Psychiatrist? Ugh. That means she'll be in here any minute now. And then, as if by magic. A woman walks in.

"You know, it's not a good idea for patients to read their own charts." She says as she takes the chart out of my hands and puts it back where it belongs. I glare at her and then scramble back to the top end of my bed. I sit with my back against the wall and I pull my knees up to my chest. She sits on the couch opposite. "So, Theodora," She begins. She has a very strong British accent.

"It's Teddy." I say.

"Okay, Teddy, wh-" She starts, but I cut her off.

"Wait, you don't know who I am?" I ask.

"Am I supposed to?"

"You work here, right?"

"That is correct."

"Specifically for the surgical staff?"

"Yes. Now whe-"

"So, you don't realise that I'm a doctor. _Here?_ "

"I, um, didn't. I'm sorry."

"Jill Brown, right?"

"Yes."

"We've worked together before."

"We have?"

"Twice. I'm the head - former head of cardio-thoracic surgery."

"Oh, Dr. Altman!" Well, she obviously didn't recognise me. I guess I can't blame her really. I normally am in my navy blue scrubs and my hair is not all over the place like it is now.

"So, Dr. Brown. I know exactly how this works. The hospital keeps me here for 72 hours and you're sent in here to talk to me and to assess my mental state and deem me fit to be released. Am I correct?" I snap.

"Yes. You are." She says, "You seem to know what you're talking about, Teddy."

"Can we just get this over and done with." I ask bluntly.

"Okay then." She agrees. "Why. Why did you do it?"

"I don't know." I say, she kind of looks at me as if to say, _you aren't getting out of here anytime soon if you give me that._ "Well, you know… A lot of crappy things have happened this year. Well, it's not really that. It's just I'm always agitated or anxious and it causes me to lash out at people. And because of that, I lost, well quit my job too… So that didn't really help."

"Why'd you quit your job?" She asks.

"Well, I knew that after my outburst in the O.R. I would suffer the consequences, so I just thought I'd leave on my own terms. And as for the whole thing later, it was an impulse thing I guess." I say. "And, I don't expect you to believe me, but it is true. After talking to my friend Arizona, my actions hurt her so much… And after Miranda told me how Owen felt… I just… I just didn't expect me almost dying would have those kind of… Outcomes I guess." I say, my eyes beginning to water up. I swallowed back the ball of tears beginning to form in my throat. Jill looks down and then continues with her questions.

"Did you write a note?" She asks.

"What?"

"A note. Did you write a note to the people you love?" I contemplate answering truthfully or not.

"No. I didn't." I lie.

"How come?" She asks.

"I… I guess I just wanted to do it, and I thought that if I took the time to write something that I might have reconsidered." I say. We talk for another half an hour before she says anything I want to hear.

"Well, Teddy. From what I can tell… You seem to want to go on living so I'm going to clear you for psych and recommend to Dr. Bailey that she release you after the mandatory 72 hours." I smile weakly back at her. She get's up to leave.

"Sorry for snapping at you earlier." I say.

"It's okay. Bye for now." She says as she walks out of the door. Once the door has closed I relax a little. Well, at least she believed me as not a single word of what I just said was true. The old secret is just tell the physician what they want to hear, and it works.


	8. A Whole Lot Better

_Okay, so I'm so so so so so so sorry for the fact that I haven't updated this for ages!_

 _I had some inspiration from my friend Teddy from Instagram today to finish this, so that's what I did._

 _Also, I know my scientific twin, Chloe (long story haha) really wanted this chapter too..._

 _Someone in their review a while ago said that they wanted some Teddy/Arizona friendship stuff so that's what I've done!_

 _Oh, and the Henry in this chapter is Henry Burton (just to be clear lol)_

 _Anyway, please enjoy!_

* * *

"You're going." Arizona says, trying her best to shove me out of her car.

"But I don't want to." I pout like a young child.

"You _have_ to! It's the only wa-" She starts.

"It's the only way I'll get better. _I know, I know._ I'm moving." I say, laughing as I swing my legs out of the car. Arizona laughs.

"It won't be as bad as you think!" She shouts to me as I climb out.

"I bet it will." I say with a wink as I close the car door.

"You're impossible!" Arizona yells, also laughing.

"Bye!" I shout, waving. She drives off and I make my way up the small cobblestone path and into the practice. _Group therapy. Yay._ I sign in at the desk and am instructed to make my way up to the 4th floor room 2b.

* * *

As reluctant as I am to go, I drag myself up the four flights of stairs because no way was I taking the lift. I walk into the room and take a look at my surroundings. It's big. There are a circle of chairs and sofas in the middle. To my right, there's a massive fireplace and pictures of goodness knows what on the walls. Straight ahead there's 2 floor to ceiling windows and pretty decor around them. To my left there's a table filled with food and teas and coffees. There are 5 people here at the moment. 3 women and 2 men. One of the women looks up at me and smiles.

"Hi there!" The woman said, walking over to me. She hugged me, which I was not expecting but I half-heartedly hugged her back. "Hi, I'm Carolyn, and I'll be leading today's session." She said. She looks really quite nice. She must be around 60, she has blonde hair and she's wearing a teal blue cardigan and a long denim skirt. Her face is lined with wrinkles but it makes her look friendly and approachable and that she'll know what she's talking about.

"Hi, I'm um, Teddy. Altman." I say.

"Oh Teddy! Nice to meet you!" Carolyn says, smiling widely. "We're starting from scratch today, so they'll be loads of other new people today too, as well as a couple that have been here before." I look over at the 4 other people in the room all milling around by the food. "Over there we have Henry, Tess and Hillary - none of them have been to a group therapy session for something like this before. We're still expecting 4 more. 3 of them have been before but 1 hasn't."

"Oh, okay." I nod and look down.

"Go, say hi. Eat food. We have really good biscuits." Carolyn says with a wink. I really don't want to, but I walk over. One of the women turn around and she smiles at me.

"Hi, I'm Tess." She introduces herself.

"Teddy." I say, smiling. The other two turn around.

"I'm Hillary." The other woman says, smiling.

"And I'm Henry." The guy says. He shakes my hand.

"Teddy." I say. "Nice to meet you all." My voice is slightly shaky. I'm extremely nervous and getting quite anxious and I'm really hoping they can't tell…

'Want some food?" Hillary asks.

"No." I reply way to quickly. "Thank you, though."

"Your loss," Tess says. "It's great." She laughs as she finishes her sentence. I smile pathetically back at them.

* * *

They go back to eating and talking and I just mill around them as various other people walk in. There's one woman, she can't be more than 16 though - who had just walked in walks over to the food but stops just before. It's sad though, seeing someone so young at a place like this.

"Hey." I say softly. She looks at me, fiddling with her fingers.

"Um, hi." She says back.

"I'm Teddy." I say, smiling.

"I'm uh, Chloe." She says shyly.

"Ever been here before?" I ask in a pathetic attempt to make this girl more comfortable here in this _place_.

"No…" She says, looking down.

"Me neither." I say, I smile at her and she looks up and smiles back.

"You wanna, uh," She says, quietly, "go get some food or a drink?" I want to say yes so badly because I hate to see such a young girl feel this insecure and nervous but I _can't_ eat.

"Um," I say, stalling. She looks up at me.

"It's okay," she says quickly, "we don't have to, I shouldn't have-"

"No, let's go over, let's see what's there." I cut in, smiling. A hint of happiness makes itself evident in the corners of her eyes. We walk over and have look. She reaches forward and grabs a chocolate cookie. I really want one, but I can't bring myself to reach for one. I settle for a glass of water and a few slices of cucumber so I can eat something to partly satisfy my aching stomach.

* * *

I'm guessing everyone's here now because Carolyn calls us all over to the seats in the middle of the room. Chloe and I walk over together. There are 4 wooden chairs with comfy looking cushions, a two-seater sofa and 3 small-ish arm chairs all in a circle-type shape. Chloe and I sit on the sofa, together. I don't know why, but I feel somewhat safer with her, like I'm not _as_ alone in this as I actually am. To my left, Henry and Tess sit on two different wooden chairs, three people whom I don't yet know sit on two armchairs, to my right - past Chloe are Hillary and Carolyn. I sit upright but with my right leg up on the sofa and leaning against the side. I don't like this.

"So, welcome everyone. It's a pleasure to be here with you all today." Carolyn says, addressing the group. "I talked to each of you as you came in, but my name is Carolyn and I'm a retired psychiatrist. Let's start today by introducing ourselves. Our names and just something you enjoy doing, or your job, or really anything you want everyone to know about you." She says, smiling. She looks around us all. "Hillary, why don't you start." Hillary looks around us nervously before speaking.

"Hi," She says, "I'm Hillary and I am a lawyer." She smiles briefly as she finishes. Chloe's next. Carolyn looks at her, prompting her to speak. She look at me, as if wondering if she should or not. I nod and smile back at her.

"I'm, um, Chloe and I'm a student at our local high-school." She says quietly. It's my turn.

"Hi, I'm Teddy, and I'm a cardiothoracic surgeon and I used to be in the U.S. army as a surgeon." I say. People around me look impressed, that makes me smile, just a bit. Everyone else takes it in turns to introduce themselves.

"Okay, so today we're going to take the hardest step of all. We're going to tell each other exactly what happened to lead you all to being here today." Carolyn says. "Now, this is not going to be easy, for any of you, but it's the first step to recovering." I really don't want to do this. I _really_ don't want to. "Someone has to start though, I'm afraid." She says, looking around us all. "Sorry, Henry, but we're going to start with you and we'll work our way around clockwise." _Clockwise._ Fuck. That means I'm next.

"It has to be someone though, hey?" Henry says, laughing. My heart starts beating faster than usual. It's like it's pounding against my ribcage, I can even feel it in my throat. "Okay, so," Henry begins, "I have a chronic tumour condition. Fun, ey?" A few people laugh quietly. My palms have become all sweaty and my breathing is getting quicker, I'm scared now, I don't know what's happening. "And they found what must have been maybe 3 new benign tumors in my last MRI scan, my girlfriend had also just broke up with me… And I just couldn't be bothered anymore. Life just wasn't worth living. So I tried to hang myself, just the rope snapped and yeah… A few days in hospital and now, here." He smiled and looked down before looking back at Carolyn.

"Thank you for sharing, Henry." Carolyn says, smiling gently back at him. "Teddy, your turn." She says looking at me. My heart's still pounding in my chest. it feels like I can't breathe, I'm hyperventilating I think and I feel sick to my stomach. I must look like a complete freak. "Teddy, are you alright?" Carolyn asked. _What does it look like?_ I want to snap back at her, but I don't, partly because that would be mean but also because I don't think I can really put two words together right now.

"Let's start simple." I hear a voice say. I look up slowly towards the direction where the sound came from. It was Henry. I nod my head gently, not looking him - or anyone else for that matter in the eye. "Okay. You said you're a surgeon, right?"

"Yeah." I manage, everything's becoming a little easier.

"Where do you work?" He asked. I swallow a lump in my throat before answering. I'm beginning to think clearly again.

"Seattle Grace Mercy West." Henry could see I think that I was beginning to regain normal functions again.

"Can you continue on your own, now?" He asked, gently. For the first time, I looked up into his eyes.

"Uh, yeah." I paused, and then smiled. "Thank you. And I'm uhm, sorry, that wasn't um… Professional." I apologised to the group as best I could. I received a few sympathetic smiles from some other people. "Right, so… This is quite hard, actually. As I've never told anyone all of what I'm about to say… I have struggled with anorexia for the past year and a bit, no one knows that. I behaved whilst I was in hospital and yeah… But I guess it was just so I could feel better about myself, and also, there's this guy." I laugh slightly and smile. "Just when we were in Iraq, he uh, was engaged, and then 2 years later we end up in the same hospital - well, he invited me to work there, but anyway, he now has a girlfriend, and actually, the funny bit is, she's actually my student. But anyway, we um, we had a patient that day, who was all but dead because of her eating disorder and I, well I went off on one in the O.R. projecting my own life on hers and got called into the chief's office - but before I could be fired, I quit. And I went home. And after a whole bottle of wine, I swallowed some sleeping pills and yeah… My best friend found me." I admit.

"Thank you for sharing, Teddy." Carolyn says. As the group carries on, I think about what I'd just said. And actually, just vocalising it made me feel a whole lot better.

* * *

"Hey!" Arizona yells from her car window. I run across the street and jump in the passenger side. "So…?" She asked, curious as to how it all went.

"How'd what go?" I ask, jokingly. She laughed.

"Seriously, though. Was it as bad as you thought?" She asked.

"Yes." I said, bluntly. "I'm never, ever going back." I see the almost horrified look on her face and add. "Oh, and I killed them all, too." At this point, she realised that I was joking and she playfully punched my arm as we both laughed.

"Ouch!" I joked.

"That's not funny!" She said, still laughing. "I actually believed you! Okay, seriously this time, Teddy. How'd it go?"

"It…" I paused, trying to think of how to describe it. "It, I guess it actually helped just to say those things out loud." I said, smiling.

"I'm glad." She replied.

"Listen, Ari?" I asked.

"Yeah?" She looked at me, concern written all over her face. "What is it?"

"There's probably something else I should tell you… As I'm not going to get fully better if I'm still struggling with it."

"What is it, Teddy?" She asked. I took a deep breath as I prepared myself to tell my best friend about my eating disorder and depression and anxiety problems.

* * *

 _Please leave a review!_


	9. If Only I Was

_Sorry I haven't updated for a while... But just a word of warning, nothing much really exciting happens in this chapter, but it had to be here to set the scene for my next chapter._

 _Thanks for reading guys!_

* * *

"Teddy?" Arizona queried again, still waiting for my response.

"I, um..." I start, not sure if I actually wanted to tell her what was _really_ going on. "I was uh, just wondering… If you could take me by the hospital so I can talk to Shepherd about maybe getting my job back?" Arizona looked kind of confused.

"Um, yeah sure, of course!" She replied with a smile. She started the car. "Is that what you really wanted to say?"

"Um, yeah, of course it was, wh-why would you think otherwise?" I stuttered as I asked, hoping that she wasn't on to me.

"It's just, you sounded like you were about to say something a little more, I don't know… personal than what you actually said?" Arizona said cautiously, as if not wanting to offend me. I wanted so desperately to tell Arizona the truth, get it all out to somebody I care about, but I couldn't.

"Yeah, I'm sorry if it sounded otherwise, I was just thinking about the therapy session." I said, half telling the truth.

"Oh, you gonna tell me about it now?" Arizona asked laughing. I realised that Arizona believed me, and my shoulders loosened from their tense position.

"Um, nope! But I will tell you this, there was a cute guy." I said, laughing too.

"Only you."

* * *

"... and I'm sure you can agree, the time off was well spent, well, after… you know... And now, I got my psych clearance and I'm requesting to be rehired, relying on the fact that you haven't already submitted my resignation to the board of course…" I sat in Derek Shepherd's office on a medium sized wooden chair facing the chief of surgery.

"You got lucky, Altman." Derek said, leaning forward in his chair. "I was just about to hand it to Patricia to mail to the board."

"Oh, thank god."I said, relieved.

"But that doesn't mean I'm just going to hire you back." At the conclusion of this sentence, my head and whole body jolted upright as I looked directly into his eyes.

"I'm sorry, what?" I asked, in denial about what I just heard,

"I mean, you quit, then you tried to _kill_ yourself, and now you just expect me to give you your job back?"

"I'm trying, Derek. I'm really trying." I said. "Look, okay, I was in a really bad place, and I didn't realise that I was in such a bad place, but I'm coming out of it. Now I'm not one with unrealistic expectations to be better overnight, because I know that'll never happen, but I promise you, I'm okay to come back to work." Derek sat back in his chair and smiled. "Is something funny? Is there someth-"

"Teddy!" Derek interjected, "I'm not laughing at you. I knew if you weren't really okay to come back, you'd have given up when I said what I did, but the fact that you gave me reasons for why you're okay, and how you stood up for yourself, shows me that it would be a good move to rehire you." I was shocked, ecstatic and confused all at the same time.

"So, you're saying-"

"I'm saying, Altman, you can have your job back. Now go get some scrubs and get back to work. You'll resume with your old timetable." Derek said.

"My old patients…?" I asked.

"Were all handed off to Dr. Davis. For now you'll catch up on whatever until a new patient comes in." Well, that's not the best, I thought to myself. But at least I have a job.

"Okay." I said, smiling as I raised to my feet. He also stood up, I shook his hand. "Thank you." I said. I turned to leave the room.

"Don't make me regret it, Teddy." He called out to me.

"I won't."

* * *

I walked through the halls of the Cardiac Care Unit and my stomach growled fiercely at me. I knew that if I was going to make it through today, or at least make a decent impression for Shepherd I would have to be at the top of my game. Basically, I knew that I had to eat. I made my way down to the cafeteria and looked around. There are quite a few people here at the moment, but I guess that's because it's 14:30 so lunchtime for a lot of hospital staff. I make my way over to the food line and wait patiently. I play with my hands just to control my nerves about actually having to buy and eat some food. I buy a turkey sandwich, an apple and a bottle of water. There's no way that I'm eating down here so I make my way back up to the CCU.

* * *

On the way, I mentally add up the calories in my lunch. 275 calories. Well, I guess as I'm here for the next 6 hours, I'll be able to burn that off.

I just finished my turkey sandwich and my pager suddenly goes off. It's O.R. 2. I leave my water bottle and apple behind the nurses desk and make my way up to the O.R. floor.

When I get there, I make my way through the small crowd of nurses and doctors and into O.R. 2, grabbing a face mask as I do so.

"Someone paged?" I call out. The room is frantic, nurses and O.R. staff move around trying to prep the patient who's lying on the table. One nurse however notices me and comes over.

"Cardiac trauma, guy has 1 GSW in his upper right chest and 2 in his abdomen." She says.

"I'll go scrub." I make my way into the scrub room only to find Owen and Cristina scrubbing in. They both look up at me, their faces shocked.

"Teddy?" Cristina asked.

"Shepherd rehired me a few hours ago, you needed a cardiac surgeon and you got me." I said, smiling.

"Yay!" Cristina exclaimed. "That was an inappropriate reaction. I'm sorry."

"Don't be, I'm happy that you're happy I'm back." I say. Cristina finishes scrubbing and enters the O.R. leaving me and Owen alone.

"So, you're back." He says, looking forward into the O.R..

"Yep. Is that okay?" I ask whilst securing my scrub cap. He looked at me confused. "I mean, after… You know, is it okay that I'm back? And more so, going to be in this O.R. with you."

"Yeah, no it's great, I'm happy you're back." He said, smiling.

"You don't have to pretend to be happy, if you're really not." I say after I tie on my face mask.

"No, I am." He says. "It's good for you, you're getting back on your feet." He finishes scrubbing and makes his way into the O.R. _If only I was._ I thought to myself. If only I was getting back on my feet.

* * *

8 hours later, after my shift ended I am back at my apartment and am just about to go to bed when I hear a knocking on my door. Part of me wants to ignore it, because I want to be left alone, but the more sensible part of me knows I should answer the door. So I make my way across the hallway and open the door. In front of me stands Arizona, the first thing I notice is the suitcase that's on the floor beside her. Then I look up at her face and it breaks my heart because her eyes are red and puffy and she still has fresh tears making their way down her cheeks.

"Ari…" I start. She sobs quietly.

"Callie kicked me out." She gets out. "And I have nowhere to stay, and I was wondering if I, I could stay here for a while?" As she finishes her sentence she begins crying even more. I pull her inside and her luggage and then I hold her tightly. She breaks down in sobs in my arms. My heart physically aches for her, but so much for being alone tonight.


End file.
